Good morning…

I woke up to a precious email from a mother. Since God took a long time crafting His heartfelt response to her through me, I thought the wisdom gleaned might be helpful for others in our “sue2you” community who are caring for those grieving.

A teen rocked by the loss of her dear young friend is questioning her faith. This is what she said to her mom, “How can I believe in a God that would allow this? If God is so strong why hasn’t he dealt with Satan? The church has always been my second home and now I don’t even want to be there.” The mom is humbled. She does not know the answers. She asked me for prayers, for wisdom and clarity.

Praying for wisdom and for clarity, here are the words that filled my return email: “These are important questions your daughter is wrestling with. What a beautiful gift you have given that she feels safe in expressing to you her deepest angst. I sense that it is easier for your daughter to be mad at God rather than to be mad at this young man she misses so dearly. It’s safer to say, “How can I believe in a God that would allow this?” than it is for her to say, “How could a friend I love so much make this choice?”

God is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow and He is our Source of refuge and strength, peace and purpose over a lifetime, in the long run. But in the short run it feels like God has turned on us, has allowed evil to slip through His fingers on purpose. As he hung tortured on the cross, even Jesus wrestled with feeling like God had tricked him, abandoned him, left him alone in pain, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46).

My close friend who lost her daughter at age seven to cancer says that after her daughter died, the devotionals that used to bring such comfort turned her stomach when she read them. She could not stand the sour flavor of God’s words of wisdom. She went to church only because she was supposed to, for her other children’s sake. As a family, they went to counseling because they thought they should, but it was horrible because they did not want to feel, they did not want to heal, they did not want to deal with this painful, painful loss. For over a year, she stayed in that stuck place, closed off from the God who used to sustain her intimately. On the outside she went through the motions, on the inside she lived disconnected. Then, when the time was right, she felt compelled to sign up for the Grief Share program at our church, a program which leads people through the process of grieving their loved one in a supported, loving environment. She and her husband finally felt ready to learn what it would look like to feel, to heal, to deal directly with their grief. I remember her saying, “For the first year I wasn’t ready, and then somewhere in the second year I felt the time was right.”

Right now, your daughter’s process of healing includes expressing her anger, her disbelief, her anguish to you. You treasure her truth in your momma heart, and you take her painful concerns along with your own humbly to God, personally in prayer. If the LORD shares with you any nuggets of wisdom you sense are intended for your daughter, you gently share God’s gift with her in a way she can hear, at the time that is right, precisely as God directs. For a while, you may stand in the angry gap between your hurting daughter and our loving LORD. What a beautiful, privileged place to be.

If your daughter is asking these questions with such pain and such passion, we know that means God has His arms around her, holding her loosely. It’s like when a toddler has a tantrum and we hold them gently, fluidly until their flailing arms and legs tire and their outburst subsides. When a child does not get her way, her tantrum does not alter our motherly love. It is even more so with our Daddy who loves us unconditionally. Your daughter is feeling in a very real way, maybe for the first time in her young life, her own skin against God’s skin, a skin which is so firmly foreign to her tender human body.

Over time, our old ideas of God fade and the living presence of the LORD begins to minister. As our spiritual outbursts subside, the touch of God’s skin becomes comfort, becomes strength, becomes warmth once again. Growing up into our own skin of faith we learn, “God is God. I am not. My choice is to remain bitter or to get better.” Most of us choose to be bitter at God for a while after tragedy strikes and our world falls apart. It takes time for us to realize that we are not designed to live apart from God and that separation does not bring about the healing we crave. When the time is just right, we choose to allow our Creator to help us get better, to feel, to heal, to deal directly with the living LORD whose immense, unfailing love stands in the gap between earth and heaven.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord,
Romans 8:38-39 (NLT),

Sue