Good morning…
I drink comforting coffee from my “melt-me-more” mug as I ponder the purpose of a revealing exchange. Recently sharing a genuine hug, I said, “I appreciate you,” and at the very same time he said, “I love you.” I felt the mismatch of emotional expression, much like the uneven awkwardness from a Bachelorette episode.
For years now, our interactions included smiles on the surface with distance deeper down. Then six months ago, I had felt hurt by him. In vulnerability I had taken a hard step in deeper trust with the LORD, and in response I felt his blindsiding critique. Retreating further into my shell, I guarded my heart. Because I shrink back from critics, since then I have quietly felt distrust, lacking safety in his presence. From beneath a layer of invisible self-protection, all I could muster was my honest “I appreciate you.” How could he say, “I love you?”
I could have let the imbalance remain glaring and unspoken. Likely he would not have noticed. Maybe he would not have cared. But I cared. I could not ignore the unequal expression. I had to look into the mirror held up by our LORD. What I saw exposed me to my deeper self. I was holding back remnants of the real me, afraid of being judged again. Bad. Wrong. A disappointment. All well-known feelings I have battled for years. Instead of saying nothing, allowing a ripe moment to pass, God coaxed me to pull this young man aside later, initiating a private time to process together.
“How could you say, ‘I love you,’ when you do not really know me?”
“You remind me of my mom, who loved me so well,” he said. “I do not really know you, but I see how genuinely you try to serve God and I love how deeply you seem to love others.”
I do try to serve the LORD with my whole heart, but sometimes my fear-filled defenses get in God’s way. Yet in those brave moments, I shed another lingering layer and God’s unconditional love for all of us touched me through this man.
…Sue…
