Good morning…

After reading a post about me living on after the life of my dreams was severed, she wrote:

“Dear Sue, tears are pouring down my face as I am reading this. I am certainly no stranger to deep dark depressions as I have suffered from these most of my life, but God has chosen to prune me back at this point in my life until it seems there is nothing at all left. A pain I never in a million years could have known existed. And even as I say that, I know there are worse things…far, far worse things in the world. I have been living this since last fall and as the school year begins, I am hoping for some relief and newness anywhere, it is not forthcoming that I can see. I can’t find the light. I don’t know what God wants from me, but whatever it is, I don’t feel strong enough to bear it. Thank you for this email, it says to me, if nothing else, that maybe there is a way out of the darkness one day, even if I don’t know which way that is.”

Immediately I wrote back, sharing a pivotal story in my life.

“Thank you for reaching out to me from inside your dark place. Hopefully opening this door to honest expression invites in a sliver of God’s light.

After losing the life of my dreams in the summer of 2003, God went very, very silent after we obediently moved our family of six to Atlanta. I felt like I was a shell of a person, a hollow mom and wife going through the motions. I begged the LORD to shed light into my heavy darkness and God seemed silent, offering nothing tangible. No direction for over a year.

Then one night I was woken from sleep by an audible sentence, “Host a Bible study in your home.” It must have been God, because my brain would have never concocted such a crazy idea. I had no friends here, who would I invite into my living room?

Then the divine request got even crazier. I sensed I was supposed to WRITE the Bible study week by week, editing each chapter with the women who came. This was a totally bizarre idea since, though I had journalled daily for about fifteen years back then, I had never written anything for any other eyes to see. But God’s instruction was as clear as the light of day, so in obedience to the crazy idea I made handmade invitations to this “so called Bible study” and I handed an envelope to any woman who smiled at me at our new church that Sunday. I also mailed a few invitations to friends from our old church in Marietta who lived too far away to come to a weekly Bible study. I distributed invitations and waited, doubtful, for the study’s first day.

That Tuesday morning, I was surprised to hear a knock on my door. Then another and another and another. Miraculously God hand picked eight women to join me in my home and together over the school year we wrote a Bible study entitled God Speaks Through Us: Hear, Obey, and Share the Voice.

By that spring in 2005, following another divine prompting, I was offered a position as Discipleship Coordinator for the Children’s Ministry at our 5,000 member church (another crazy idea since I had never taught Sunday school a day in my life). Within five months, a co-worker and I researched, wrote from scratch, and kicked off a year long Sunday school curriculum entitled Grow Juicy Fruit. In January 2007, I became the Women’s Ministry Director at the church, a position I still hold, a position which allows me to write a daily blog, to walk closely with people on their journeys of faith, and, just as God instructed in 2004, to “host a Bible study in my home” each day of the week.

I tell you this story because I have felt trapped in the holy darkness surrounding you right now. I wish I could lift the burden from your heart and offer you an easy escape route, but only God knows the way through the pain you are in.

The one thing I can promise from my experience is this: in God’s eternal rhythm, deepest dark means dawn comes next. Somehow, some way, dawn comes next. I am praying that God gives you the patience, the endurance, and the hope that only He can offer while you wait for the sun to rise. I will continue to hold you in the palm of my prayers, Sue.”

I beg you to save me,
so I can follow your rules.
Even before sunrise,
I pray for your help,
and I put my hope
in what you have said.
I lie awake at night,
thinking of your promises.
Show that you love me, Lord,
and answer my prayer.
Please do the right thing
and save my life (Psalm 119:146-150, CEV).

…Sue…