Good morning…
Our recent post, My Feelings Were Hurt, stepped on a very vulnerable nerve. So many responses came rushing in that I did not have the time to express gratitude to all of you individually. So this post is my collective “Thank you” for helping us to examine the bricks in the wall between our hurting hearts and each “well-dressed woman” who crinkles up her nose and asks, “Why were you here?”
- Brick #1: We all have felt judged by others, unseen, unneeded, unwanted. “Dear Sue…I love this message. How many times have we all felt this… why are you here? what’s your purpose? (A more accurate question would have been how do you know these people? how did you get involved with this?) But what we hear is why are you here… you don’t belong.” “I have encountered so much passive aggressive behavior from other women here in Atlanta that it’s helpful to read your story.” “I often used to get asked about my daughter’s peanut allergy something along the lines of ‘what happened?’ What I learned later as more and more people asked this question in different ways was that they just wanted to know the logistics, how we figured it out, or what was the scary story that led to us knowing about her allergy. What I heard for the first few years was ‘she’s so young how could this have happened? If you were a better mother you would never have given her peanuts at her age despite your doctor giving you the ok.’ It took me years to answer that question without getting defensive.”
- Brick #2: We focus on the other person, blaming “her” for our pain. “Stupid woman. Sorry! That was my first thought after i read your post. Why are you here? Hmmm!! You should have said, “Why are YOU here?” But u are much nicer than me?” “Hi Sue, One has to wonder whether that woman took anything at all from your retreat?! What a ridiculous question to ask of a spiritual leader as gifted as you are.” “I really want to smack that woman! You do so very much for so many people! You pour out your heart for all of us! I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
- Brick #3: As we sense beneath “her” surface, we grow in grace. “How very sad the lady must be.” “Heart-breaking. Insensitive. And in need of you. She was the one in need of Good Jesus, and perhaps you were there to help her find Him.” “It’s a reminder of what I’ve heard so often but can have a hard time finding solace in at the time – that behavior is all about them and not at all about you.” “As for the woman in Orlando who hurt your feelings, I can bet she had no clue how that question sounded. I think some people are born without tact. But, it also shows how we can easily offend with our words. I’m sure the conference was insightful and a blessing to many, perhaps even to her.” “In the light of trying to care for and live with two members of my family who are as old as Betty or older, let me just say that in old-age, people tend to speak what’s on their mind, ask what they want to know. The normal filters of how people might take it are diminished or gone all together. Often now, my Aunt or my Dad say things that hurt my feelings, or make me angry, but I am able to realize most of the time, they don’t mean it like that. Their minds are foggier and they’re trying to find answers, to understand. Sometimes they give unasked for and unwanted opinions. I try to remember the times I have appreciate their advice and help in the past. Of course, I have a long history with these people, and that helps. The abruptness of your encounter left you feeling vulnerable, I’m sure, and that never feels good.” “Hey Sue, It has been my experience when people make rude remarks or questions, it is always their insecurity or their failings that prompt the comment or the question. The problem is, they rarely know or see it as their problem or their self reflection. I do think the lesson to be learned is forgiveness which for me is the most difficult but the most necessary. I have trouble with this part of the lesson. I can identify the problem, but I keep asking God to help me to forgive the offender.” “As I read your message I had a visual of that “well dressed woman” my immediate thought was “bless her heart” not yours – hers. Forgive them Lord, they know not what they do. I hope you asked her if she would like to be added to your mailing list!”
- Brick #4: We are quick to encourage the people we love. “I ALWAYS love to see you! You belong wherever you are!” “I’m so sorry that this happened. It was not the experience that you wanted or deserved. I know that your presence was heartfelt and touched many of the people there.” “Sue you are fulfilling God’s purpose for your life each and every day for so many! Please, do not let her words discourage you, they were not from The Lord. May our God fill you with His love, His joy and His peace??” “Don’t EVER let anyone make you feel like you are out of place or don’t belong somewhere! You are a MIGHTY FORCE and a WARRIOR FOR GOD!” “Oh my sweet friend…had YOU not chosen their book to offer & share with your bible study groups, these retreats would not have happened when & how they did! People just don’t know sometimes those who are the original foundation and help build & create things that in the outside appear to belong to others. We all know, Betty knows & God knows how you work tirelessly to spread His word to others through people like Betty. You are the foundation & without you so much would not even get started. I understand how that would have been awkward, but you were right where you were supposed to be. ❤️” “My favorite part of the whole thing is your calm and loving response. That no matter how the question made you feel inside, you did not get defensive as I often do… you simply said ‘she asked so I told her.’ I will remember that.”
- Brick #5: God uses our bumps and bruises. “I’m proud of you for listening to your heart and being there. It was the right thing despite the bumps and bruises that came as a result. Just know that you are loved, and you are listening. God will use it. He probably has already since you wrote about it. It will resonate with your readers. It resonates with me and reminds me to be kinder and more forgiving with my older family. I need reminding some days.” “You will not likely know why, but you can rest assured God will use that moment for her, for you, and likely for many of us who can do very much relate to the experience you had. You matter. You are seen and loved, by God and by so so many of us.”
- Brick #6: Even our slightest suffering draws us closer to Jesus. “Beautiful post revealing your suffering for Christ, you felt the nails of criticism and rejection (feelings of not measuring up to expectations) just like Jesus did! I know this doesn’t help your feelings but I am sure it helps your longing for His return!” “I bet that comment from that woman did sting. You are always so gracious and humble where there are others always wanting attention. So, I find it rather ironic the question, almost humorous, even though I know it did not feel funny. It’s our challenge every day to say ‘It’s not about me, God. It’s about You. I may get mocked, laughed at and spit on just as your Son, but I have to keep my eyes on you. I am your vessel. Use me. It’s not about me.'”
Before the cacophony of cascading responses, I did respond to the first email that came in that morning, the one about “really wanting to smack that woman!” I replied personally: “I actually want to hug this woman and kiss her on the cheek, saying ‘Thank you for helping me to find my way to the right question, to the core prayer, to engage God in the dialogue of my lifetime!’ God changes hearts. Mine was changed in this interaction. I am grateful for this well-dressed woman and her honest question.”
Whenever our feelings are hurt, we are offered an opportunity to examine more closely the individual bricks in our self-protective wall. Our immediate hurt morphs into an ongoing prayer: “Will I let God use my bruises for His powerful purposes?”
“He won’t brush aside the bruised and the hurt and he won’t disregard the small and insignificant, but he’ll steadily and firmly set things right. He won’t tire out and quit. He won’t be stopped until he’s finished his work—to set things right on earth. Far-flung ocean islands wait expectantly for his teaching” (Isaiah 42:3-4, MSG).
…Sue…
