Good morning…
As I hazily recall my own walk down-and-up through the deep valley of depression, two words linger longest. Heavy and hollow. It is weird to feel heavy and hollow at the same time, like the shell of a 500 lb. chocolate Easter bunny who is empty inside.
My depression was partially situational and mostly quite spiritual. God had called to me as clearly as possible, coaxing me to leave behind the comfortable life of my childhood dreams. But when I obediently followed His voice, moving several states away from my soulful settledness, God seemed to go silent. Dead silent. Eerily silent. Silent for a long, excruciating two years.
Heavy and hollow, I shuffled through life’s motions. As a wife, a mom, a new person in town, I smiled, heavy and hollow, and I shuffled through. For forty years I had known God as a comforting Companion, guiding, inspiring, opening doors. During those two tiring years, I wrestled day and night with the mysterious God who does what God wants to do, only when God wants to do it.
Recently a grieving mom asked me how I survived that suffering season. In truth, I do not know exactly how, exactly when, and exactly why my hollow heaviness was filled from the inside out, giving me the inner strength to walk out of the pit. Yet, I do know that I had the same two experiences Parker Palmer describes in Let Your Life Speak. First, “After I emerged from my sojourn in the dark and had given myself several years to absorb its meaning, I saw how pivotal this passage had been on my pilgrimage to selfhood…” (57) Also, “When people ask me how it felt to emerge from my depression, I can give only one answer: I felt at home in my own skin, and at home on the face of the earth, for the first time.” (70)
Before my deep depression, I was filled full of the life I had dreamed up as a child. After my extended season of suicidal suffering, I somehow sense I am living God’s dream for me.
For who [limited by human wisdom] knows what is good for man during his lifetime, during the few days of his futile life? He spends them like a shadow [staying busy, but achieving nothing of lasting value]. For who can tell a man what will happen after him [to his work, his treasure, his plans] under the sun [after his life is over]? (Ecclesiastes 6:12, AMP).
…Sue…
