Good morning…
As the effects of this pandemic persist, I am hitting a wall within myself: Is what I am doing enough? How can I better bridge the gap between haves and have nots? What are my prayers really doing? How do I make an impact in people’s lives when I can’t see them, I can’t hug them, I can’t interact spontaneously?
Seeking direction, I open the Henri Nouwen daily devotional for today. My finger is placed on the pulse of a word I don’t like. Useless. I hate feeling useless. “It indeed is a hard discipline to be useless in God’s presence and to let him speak in the silence of my heart,” writes Nouwen. “But whenever I become a little useless I know that God is calling me to a new life beyond the boundaries of my usefulness.”
Usefulness. That’s a word I like. I enjoy feeling useful. Helpful. Fruitful. Impactful. Purposeful. All of these words end in “full.” I love feeling full of good, important things. Effective. Productive. Instrumental.
It is indeed a hard discipline to be useless in God’s presence. Meaningless. Purposeless. Valueless. Hopeless. Pointless. All of these words end in “less.” I hate feeling less meaning, less purpose, less value, less hope. What’s the point of uselessness? Idle. Ineffective. Incompetent.
Yet how can God speak into the innermost of my innermost if I am always moving, always talking, always directing, always scheduling, always seeking to achieve my own personal goals? My soul-searching stops cold on this aching question: “What does Nouwen mean when he says, ‘God is calling me to a new life beyond the boundaries of my usefulness?'”
I used to feel useful before this “shelter-in-place” began. Teach class most days. Enjoy weekly walk and talks. Attend important monthly meetings. Open time and space to offer the listening presence of spiritual direction. Regularly respond to emails, texts, calls. Pray over the concerns expressed to me in private. Check. Check. Check. I could run down my own to-do list all day long. Useful. Useful. Useful.
John replied, “A man can receive nothing [he can claim nothing at all] unless it has been granted to him from heaven [for there is no other source than the sovereign will of God]” (John 3:27, AMP). I truly seek to follow the way of Jesus, who looked quite useless hanging dead on a cross before he opened a new way of living completely dependent on the Spirit of God, a new way of living far beyond the limits of our own imagination. Now as I too feel useless, I die to my old definition of success, and I sense more deeply that the living Christ in me, He must increase, but I must decrease. [He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so] (John 3:30, AMPC).
As I have been forced to cut free from my reliable routine, I drift humbly into the hard discipline of uselessness in God’s presence. As I do less, God please do more. As I shed my agenda, my solid schedule, my made up have-to’s, God please grow new life beyond my imagination. As I settle into my uselessness, please allow Your sovereign will to fill “full” my less with Your abundant more.
…Sue…
