My Most Vulnerable Post

Good morning…

I am still processing my most vulnerable post from this month, “Did I Suck As A Teacher?” When I taught the Enneagram to a new group of women, I let the Spirit lead. By the end of the interactive night, I felt like God left us all in the confusing dark, not understanding this ancient tool measuring our spiritual growth into Christlikeness, not knowing which Enneagram number might most resemble our own personality style. We left our energizing two hours together as cloudy as the raining sky. I admitted in this post the morning after, “…my tendency to ‘horribilize’ tucked my exhausted self into bed. My cloudy mind drifted to sleep wondering, ‘God, did I suck as a teacher or are You intentionally inviting us to begin our learning in the dark?'”

For a whole month now, I have been wrestling in the dark with God, trying to follow through on my promise to send the group my take on the scriptural underpinnings of the Enneagram. As I have taken a deep dive and explored the murky bottom below, the biblical references have expanded to include key quotes about the process of uncovering our True Self, uniquely designed by God.

Finally, in the middle of this dark night, God drew me to the quote that sums up my soul-searching. “Then it hit me: darkness. Everything incubates in darkness. And I knew that the darkness in which I found myself was a holy dark. I was incubating something new. Whenever new life grows and emerges, darkness is crucial to the process. Whether it’s the caterpillar in the chrysalis, the seed in the ground, the child in the womb, or the True Self in the soul, there’s always a time of waiting in the dark.” (Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits, 148)

At your leisure, as the Spirit invites, you might feel drawn to digest the wisdom below.

…Sue…

Scriptural Roots Beneath the Enneagram by Sue Allen

In the beginning God (prepared, formed, fashioned, and) created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form and an empty waste, and darkness was upon the face of the very great deep. The Spirit of God was moving (hovering, brooding) over the face of the waters (Genesis 1:1-2, AMPC).

“Then it hit me: darkness. Everything incubates in darkness. And I knew that the darkness in which I found myself was a holy dark. I was incubating something new. Whenever new life grows and emerges, darkness is crucial to the process. Whether it’s the caterpillar in the chrysalis, the seed in the ground, the child in the womb, or the True Self in the soul, there’s always a time of waiting in the dark.” (Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits, 148)

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good. And God separated the light from the darkness. God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, the first day (Genesis 1:3-5, ESV).

God created humans in his own image. He created them to be like himself. He created them male and female (Genesis 1:27, ERV).

“I sometimes think of the True Self as a bulb, a bulb buried in the dark ground of my unconscious, seeking to push into the conscious light above. You’ve perhaps noticed how windows plants wind and grow toward the light, pressing their leaves against the pane. This turning toward the sun has a scientific name; it’s called heliotropism. Jung spoke of a “human heliotropism.” The True Self seeks the light, winding and growing toward realization, pressing against the windowpane of consciousness.” (Sue Monk Kidd’s When the Heart Waits, 51)

For You shaped me, inside and out. You knitted me together in my mother’s womb long before I took my first breath (Psalm 139:13, VOICE).

“Before I made you in your mother’s womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I chose you for a special work” (Jeremiah 1:5a, ERV).

“Hidden deep in each of our souls is a true self – the person God created us to be. When we were knit together in our mother’s womb, we were given this gift of a true self, and with it the ability to live in a place of perfect unity with the Father and with each other. Yet, throughout our lives we have all been wounded. So out of fear and guilt and shame, we unconsciously add layer upon layer of protective casing around our souls, moving us further and further from that place of perfect peace, keeping our true self hidden from others and obscured from ourselves. Jesus came to remind us of our sacred heritage and waits longingly for us to dare to trust enough to travel inward to His heart of Love, uncovering more and more of our true identity – our hidden life.” (Kitty Crenshaw and Dr. Cathy Snapp, The Hidden Life: Revelations from a Holy Journey)

You have not chosen Me, but I have chosen you and I have appointed and placed and purposefully planted you, so that you would go and bear fruit and keep on bearing, and that your fruit will remain and be lasting (John 15:16a, AMP).

“As a seed forms from the mother plant, an outer coat grows around the tiny embryo to cover it until it germinates… This covering is called a seed coat… In favorable conditions – like fertile soil, enough water, and the right temperature – the outer seed coat will soften, open up, and make room for a sprout to emerge and grow into a plant. The seed coat serves the important role of protecting the seed so it will survive and have a chance to be fruitful. However, it is not the real seed. It will fall away when it’s no longer needed and will turn into compost that provides nutrients for the growing plant… Applying this illustration to our lives, the seed coat represents the strategies we adopt early in our childhood to protect our tender hearts… This ‘seed coat’ becomes the false self, the Adapted Self… it is not the God-created self… it’s what we need to shed in order for our Authentic Self to emerge.” (Marilyn Vancil, Self to Lose, Self to Find,14)

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden (Genesis 3:6-8, NIV).

There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death (Proverbs 14:12, NLT).

Those who try to keep the life they have will lose it. But those who give up their life for me will find true life (Matthew 10:39, ERV).

I freely lay down my life (John 17a, MSG).

“When He (God) talks of their losing their selves, He only means abandoning the clamour of self-will; once they have done that, He really gives them back all their personality, and boasts (I am afraid, sincerely) that when they are wholly His they will be more themselves than ever.” (C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters)

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? (Luke 9:23-25, NIV).

“There are two fundamental ways of being human in the world: trusting in our own human resources and abilities or radical trust in God. You cannot be grasped or sustained in the deeper life in God – being like Jesus – until you are awakened at the deep levels of your being to this essential reality . . . Unless you are aware of these two selves, these two ways of being in the world, you will have difficulty allowing God to lead you into a deeper life of wholeness in Christ.” (M. Robert Mulholland’s The Deeper Journey: The Spirituality of Discovering Your True Self)

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God (Ephesians 4:22-24a, NIV).

You have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator (Colossians 3:9-10, NIV).

“Beneath the roles and masks lies a possibility of a self that is as unique as a snowflake. It is an originality that has existed since God first loves us into existence. Our true self-in-Christ is the only self that will support authenticity. It and it alone provides an identity that is eternal.” (David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery, p. 15)

For to me, to live is Christ [He is my source of joy, my reason to live] and to die is gain [for I will be with Him in eternity] (Philippians 1:21, AMP).

For you died [to this world], and your [new, real] life is hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3, AMP).

“Beneath or inside the life we lead every day is another life. This unseen life runs like a river beneath the city, beneath work, family, ambition. In the helter-skelter, in the rush to get an education, to make a career, to make a family, to find material success, to hurry, to do, to survive, this interior life is often subjugated or paved over… But as we awaken and grow accustomed to the grace of gradual illumination, the interior life is unstoppable; it comes up in loveliness like jonquils out of fallen snow.” (John Tarrant, The Light Inside the Dark)

But we have the mind of Christ – the Holy Spirit reveals God and his ways to us (1 Corinthians 2:16, EXB).

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit (2 Corinthians 3:16-18, NIV).

You are no longer ruled by your desires, but by God’s Spirit, who lives in you (Romans 8:9a, CEV).

Do not put out the Spirit’s fire (1 Thessalonians 5:19, NIV).

May He grant you out of the riches of His glory, to be strengthened and spiritually energized with power through His Spirit in your inner self, [indwelling your innermost being and personality] (Ephesians 3:16, AMP).

“…there are many false ways of achieving uniqueness. These all result from attempts to create a self rather than receive the gift of my self-in-Christ. But the uniqueness that comes from being our true self is not a uniqueness of our making. Identity is never simply a creation. It is always a discovery. True identity is always a gift from God. The desire for uniqueness is a spiritual desire. So too is the longing to be authentic. These are not simply psychological longings, irrelevant to the spiritual journey. Both are the response of spirit to Spirit – the Holy Spirit calling us home to our place and identity in God. Being most deeply your unique self is something that God desires, because your true self is grounded in Christ. God created your uniqueness and seeks to restore you to that uniqueness in Christ. Finding and living out your true self is fulfilling your destiny.” (David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself).

God’s plan is to make known his secret to his people, this rich and glorious secret which he has for all peoples. And the secret is that Christ is in you, which means that you will share in the glory of God (Colossians 1:27, GNT).

Anyone who is joined to Christ is a new being; the old is gone, the new has come (2 Corinthians 5:17, GNT).

So I am not the one living now—it is Christ living in me (Galatians 2:20a, ERV).

God’s goal is for us to become mature adults—to be fully grown, measured by the standard of the fullness of Christ (Ephesians 4:13b, CEB).

But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. Legalism is helpless in bringing this about; it only gets in the way. Among those who belong to Christ, everything connected with getting our own way and mindlessly responding to what everyone else calls necessities is killed off for good—crucified (Galatians 5:22-24, MSG).

“The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become – because He made us. He invented us. He invented all the different people that you and I were intended to be … it is when I turn to Christ, when I give myself up to His personality, that I first begin to have a real personality of my own.” – C.S. Lewis

We are meant to hold firmly to the truth in love, and to grow up in every way into Christ, the head. For it is from the head that the whole body, as a harmonious structure knit together by the joints with which it is provided, grows by the proper functioning of individual parts to its full maturity in love (Ephesians 4:15-16, PHILLIPS).

“For remember, the kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:21b, MEV).

Again he said, “What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest of all seeds on earth. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds can perch in its shade” (Mark 4:30-32, NIV).

“God makes available inside us all that we need to grow and become whole. Jesus himself referred to this truth when he spoke of the kingdom of God as a self-sowing seed. It’s ‘as if a man should scatter seed upon the ground, and should sleep and rise night and day, and the seed should sprout and grow, he knows not how. The earth produces of itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain’ (Mark 4:26-28). I love those little-explored words of Jesus. They tell me that the hidden potential and fullness of life is within me. My part is to wait in creative and expectant ways for it to unfold, attentive to the process. Farmers are usually good at grasping Jesus’ concept of the self-sowing seed. They know that the flower is contained in the seed. Everything is present there. One can only wait and watch and be present to it as it blossoms. This is an important principle in waiting: coming to the enormous realization that there are seed forces within us. The potential for wholeness, Life with a capital L, is fully here. We don’t have to go out in conquest and make it happen. We can simply let it happen, consciously.” (Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits)

…I remind you to fan into flame the gracious gift of God, [that inner fire—the special endowment] which is in you… (2 Timothy 1:6, AMP).

Do not neglect the spiritual gift within you, [that special endowment] which was intentionally bestowed on you [by the Holy Spirit]… Practice and work hard on these things; be absorbed in them [completely occupied in your ministry], so that your progress will be evident to all. Pay close attention to yourself [concentrate on your personal development] and to your teaching; persevere in these things [hold to them], for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you (1 Timothy 4:14-16, AMP).

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work. Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good (1 Corinthians 12:4-7, NIV).

“Being yourself would not make any spiritual sense if your uniqueness were not of immense value to God. But each person is exactly that – of inestimable value to God. We should never be tempted to think that growth in Christlikeness reduces our uniqueness. While some Christian visions of the spiritual life imply that as we become like Christ we look more and more like each other, such a cultic expectation of loss of individuality has nothing in common with genuine Christian spirituality. Paradoxically, as we become more and more like Christ we become more uniquely our own true self.” (David Benner’s The Gift of Being Yourself: The Sacred Call to Self-Discovery).

You can easily enough see how this kind of thing works by looking no further than your own body. Your body has many parts—limbs, organs, cells—but no matter how many parts you can name, you’re still one body. It’s exactly the same with Christ. By means of his one Spirit, we all said good-bye to our partial and piecemeal lives. We each used to independently call our own shots, but then we entered into a large and integrated life in which he has the final say in everything… Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink (1 Corinthians 12:12-13a MSG).

But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn’t be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own (1 Corinthians 12:19-20, MSG).

I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery (Colossians 2:2, MSG).

So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out (Romans 12:1-2a, MSG).

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns (Philippians 1:6, NLT).