Good morning…
I received her email after I woke from my second sleep.
“Dear Sue,” she wrote yesterday. “This post (Give Kindness, Not Advice) really struck an accord in me. During my now four weeks of being a patient undergoing cancer treatment, I experience that some of my friends actually drain my energy by telling me how I strong I am and therefore I will be able to fight this disease. I know they mean well, however, surviving cancer and other life threatening illnesses does not depend on how the patient fights! Survival depends on a myriad of factors running from luck, response to treatment +++.
Telling me that I am strong gives me the feeling that if I do not survive this, it is in some way my own responsibility….
Kindness, love and acknowledgment of my pain and sorrow is – at least at this stage of my journey – the best for me. The last couple of weeks I have therefore slowly sorted who I turn to in need of a talk/ hug/ cry and those I need to withdraw from.
My next chemo is scheduled for March 18th. This week I am «free», and my body has already recovered quite well. I can walk my dog again, and today I will go for coffee with two of my oldest childhood friends.
I am slowly adapting from being a person with lots of plans and activities, to try enjoying small things like walking the dog, meeting old friends and watching a movie with my husband.
Thank you for keeping me in your prayers.”
Right away, I responded:
Good morning…
Thank you for sharing your honest experience. Two words that stand out to me are “fight” and “journey”. Another friend who was undergoing cancer treatment shared thoughts similar to yours, and she came away realizing that she is “journeying” with cancer, open to whatever each day brings, rather than “fighting” cancer or “battling” this disease. Somehow befriending the cancer and learning from it as part of her lifelong journey helped her to be gentle with herself, to graciously accept her daily experiences, consciously taking things as they are, one day at a time, rather than working hard to muster strength, to violently defeat an enemy.
You are learning a lot from this leg in your journey. How to cherish simple things. Which friends can join you when you need to talk/hug/cry. Recognizing how to honor the way you feel differently each day. Slowly adapting to what is unexpected yet true.
I am wondering if I might share our emails, yours anonymously, with our written word community since these words flesh out what it really means to give kindness, not advice. Sending my love and so hoping to visit you around the bend as we journey forward, connected daily from afar. My prayers always surround you.
Before I went to bed, I received her brief reply.
Dearest Sue,
I love the term journeying… To go gentle on oneself is also a very important approach. We as modern human beings are so used to the thought that everything could be solved one way or the other. To allow oneself to feel low, small and vulnerable is somehow viewed upon as inferior. Please share my thoughts if you find that useful for others!
Fleshing out what kindness means in each situation, with each person, takes time and tender care. Might we lead with listening? Sometimes it’s quicker and easier to offer advice, to give a pat answer, to try to fix a loved one. Yet quick and easy can feel less kind. Listening, taking time and tender care, can build a bond that sustains us for the journey that is ahead.
May it be said of every single of one of us: She conducts her conversations with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is ever her concern (Proverbs 31:26, VOICE).
…Sue…
